In 2006, Sister Margaret Farley’s Just Love, a Framework for Christian Sexual Ethics was published, and it’s since established itself as a fixture in the canon of religious writing that doesn’t make a reasonable, compassionate person want to tie herself to a tree and invite passers by to shoot her with arrows. Among the tenets of the book, according to Raw Story: praise for female masturbation — “(women) have found great good in self-pleasuring – perhaps especially in the discovery of their own possibilities for pleasure – something many had not experienced or even known about in their ordinary sexual relations with husbands or lovers.” Jill off, my children. In addition to condoning taco tickling, Farley’s book noted that gay relationships are just fine, and divorce is unfortunate but occasionally necessary.

As Daffy Duck channeling Groucho Marx in a borderline sacrilegious Vatican-themed Bugs Bunny cartoon might say: Of course, you know, this means war.

As it tends to do whenever a woman expresses a progressive opinion, the Vatican balked/shat the pants it wears under its robes at Farley’s book, yesterday releasing a statement barring Catholic educators from using it. The Church clarified that female masturbation isn’t okay; it’s a “gravely disordered action” (like pedophilia, except with masturbation, the people involved in the sex act enjoy it! Rimshot! I’ll be here all week.) And homosexuality is an “act of grave depravity,” and divorce is “contravening God’s law.”